Tuesday, July 28, 2015

to those of you

To those of you who wanted to kill my feed yesterday. To those of you who cried, a little for me, but honestly, more for you. To those of you still waiting to be matched. To those of you whose IVF failed. To those of you still fighting...I'm sorry. Not, of course, for my baby, but for the absence of yours. For reminding you of it. For leaving the club. It's odd being on the other side of this. The video was something Spence really wanted to do, but I was a little hesitant. I remember being you. I was you three weeks ago. I get it. And if you say my name followed by a number of expletives and want to throw your computer through the wall, it's ok. I get it. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could have my happy ending and still be in the club proclaiming solidarity with you. Know this: I love you. My thoughts today were with you. My prayers tonight are for you. And remember, one day can make all the difference. Don't give up. 

Saturday, June 27, 2015

pillow talk 7.0

Short and sweet, it was. I got out of bed to turn on the air, and as I got back in bed, Spencer shouted at me, "Hey, third wife, cut me some slack! ....Zzzzzzzz......"
Well, he obviously wasn't talking to me...so no slack will be cut. �� Sweet dreams everyone, poligs included. 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

human

I threw my back out last week.  Bellydancing.  It has been hurting for a while so I thought I'd do some bellydance work to stretch it out.  Yeah...the next morning I couldn't move.  We had a date with J&N on Saturday and I didn't want to cancel, so Thursday I went to the chiropractor, then Friday when I still couldn't sit, I went to the real doctor, who gave me some muscle relaxers and some loritab.  So, Saturday I woke up and was able to sit and was like, "Yay!"  But was still in pain, so I decided to take half a loritab before we left.  I'd eaten pretty light, a Slimfast for breakfast and a yogurt for lunch, since we were going out to eat.  On the way down, I started getting really nauseous. Assuming I needed more on my tummy, I got a granola bar at a gas station and ate that.  When we got to the restaurant, I tried to eat some chips, but quickly ended up in the bathroom and threw them up.  Meanwhile, J&N arrived and I pulled myself together while everyone ate and I stared at my turkey sandwich willing my stomach to chill out.  We'd planned on seeing a movie after, but just seeing people move in my peripheral vision was making me sick, so I decided to tell them I needed to go, and we treated them to a date night.  I was so bummed, and worried.

This adoption thing is nuts.  I have talked to at least 5 people about what happened and asked them how they would perceive it as a birth mom.  All of them told me they would understand, and I'm positive that J does.  But it still haunts me.  I can't throw my back out.  I can't throw up.  I have to be perfect.

If I was a birth mom, I'd be looking for perfect.  Why else would you even consider placing your baby if you couldn't find perfect?  The perfect mom, the perfect dad (check!), the perfect couple, the perfect house...I would want everything to be absolutely perfect because I was placing my baby.  I was giving over a part of myself to someone else forever.  I cannot imagine the struggle and heartache and bravery.

My mom is not perfect, but she's close.  She is so neurotic.  And she is so high-strung.  She is such a ditz.  Like SUCH a ditz.  She frequently drives through drive-throughs without getting her food. And she mispronounces words like "quesadilla" and it's so embarrassing.  But she is the strongest, most determined, savviest, selfless, beautiful, hard-working, fashionable, brave, cleanly, loving, intuitive, independent, I-could-go-on-foreverest woman I know.  She's not perfect, but she's perfect for me.  She's my mom.  And every single time I'm having a bad day, or I don't feel good, or I need advice, or I skin my knee, she is the person I want.  She goes to bed too early for my life and I hate when something happens and she's asleep because I need to talk to her like NOW.  Just to hear her voice.  And even when I call and wake her up, she responds, "Nope, you didn't wake me, I was just painting my toenails," or some other ridiculous thing I know she isn't doing at 11:00 at night.  I don't know if my birth mom would've picked her if she'd met her or spent time with her, but I bet she would have, cause she's my mom.  She's the only one who can deal with me, who can push me, who believed in me, who told my doctors to go to hell, and tells me to quit swearing and acts like she's not the one who taught me. She is MY mom. She also is going to hate this post. I love you, Mom!!


I'm not perfect either. Spencer pretty much is, but I like ice-cream way too much, I'm really emotional, when I'm tired I hiccup, and I sneeze REALLY loudly and I'm allergic to like, everything.  I am not good at math, I'm not interested in politics, I don't shave my legs every night, I'm weirdly afraid of cats, and I don't eat enough vegetables.  I'm too much of a planner.  I swear sometimes, though not around children, I can't ride a bike, and I hate the heat.  I have seizures.

A friend of mine once told me to "just get pregnant, go off my meds, and God would make it so I wouldn't have seizures for 9 months if I had faith."  I have a firm faith in God, but I don't believe things like that happen unless you're really special, and He tells you to do that in some other way than your friend suggesting it.  Maybe that happens for some people, but it didn't for me.  God told me that wasn't in the cards for me, so I played another hand.

I thought for a long time that I couldn't be a mom, that we shouldn't put in our papers, until my seizures were cured.  Which, looking back, makes about as much sense as the first suggestion.  Then, God told me that I do everything else and still have seizures, so I can be a mom too. I can be a mom, and my Heavenly Father will help me, but it's not like it's going to be some magical spell where everything will be easy.  We have plans in place.  Like changing baby on the floor, never bathing baby alone, safe places in every room, an i-watch; those types of things.  We also are realistic about our roles.  My role will be different than other moms, because bath time will wait till Daddy gets home, carpools will start earlier in life, mom can't ride bikes, and will have to close her eyes around strobe lights.  But as I wrote down that sentence, "my role will be different than most moms,"  it occurred to me that it really won't be that different, will it?  Spencer is prepared to take a more active role than most dads, especially in those first few months. He's prepared to take paternity leave, and I've got a mom and three sisters and a bajillion friends who are just itching to come over and give me a break if I need it.  We have plans in place.  But they're just plans.

If I'm anything, I'm determined, and I'm kind of a bad ass.  When I want something, I make. it happen.  Guess what I want more than I've ever wanted anything in my whole entire existence?  Motherhood. Ask me my plan for anything.  Anything.  I'll tell you.  Give me a scenario and I'll tell you.  I've had 9 years to read, to think, to plan, to pray, to study. I am not perfect.  I have a unique health situation. But I will NOT let it affect my children in any way but a positive way.  I will be the best damn mother this world has ever seen and I will put healthy mothers to shame. Even if it's different.

One day, and hopefully soon, a birth mom will realize this about me and will listen to God telling her that in her heart.  That I'm supposed to be her baby's mom.  That we match.  I'm not supposed to be human.  I have to be perfect.  But I'm not.  I'm just a girl who wants to be a mom.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

wonderland

You know those songs that you listen to while you're going through a breakup that totally speak to you?  Like, "Omg, this was totally written about me!" There's this song by Taylor Swift called Wonderland, and it's totally a "S song." It's about falling in love too quickly and then going mad when it ends. Everyone warned us to not fall in love too fast, to take it slow. That's just not my game. I tried, I really tried. I almost went crazy doing it, but then I received a Priesthood blessing and I was told to be myself, so I went full-tilt Chelsi and loved with everything I had. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Can you ever regret loving someone, though? I think love is always good. Even if you do lose your mind.

Flashing lights and we, took a wrong turn and we
Fell down the rabbit hole
You held on tight to me
'Cause nothing's as it seems
Spinning out of control
Didn't they tell us don't rush into things
Didn't you flash your green eyes at me
Haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds
Ooh didn't it all seem new and exciting
I felt your arms twisting around me
I should've slept with one eye opened at night
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And we pretended it could last forever,
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And life was never worse but never better,
In wonderland,
In wonderland,
In wonderland,
In wonderland
So we went on our way
Too in love to think straight
All alone or so it seemed
But there were strangers watching
And whispers turned to talking
And talking turned to screams
Didn't they tell us don't rush into things
Didn't you flash your green eyes at me
Didn't you call my fears with the treacherous cat's smile
Ooh didn't it all seem new and exciting
I felt your arms twisting around me
It's all fun and games, still somebody loses their mind
Oh darling, we found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And we pretended it could last forever,
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And life was never worse but never better,
In wonderland,
In wonderland,
In wonderland,
In wonderland
I reach for you
But you were gone
I knew I had to go back home
You searched the world for something else
To make you feel like what we had
And in the end in wonderland we both went mad
Oh, we found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And we pretended it could last forever,
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And life was never worse but never better,
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And we pretended it could last forever,
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And life was never worse but never better
In wonderland
I'm saying, now, that if we get a little girl, her first birthday will be a Wonderland Birthday, because we went mad getting her.  We did go mad for a little while.  It really broke us.  It shattered me.    I didn't know if I'd ever be ok. I didn't think I'd ever be able to see another baby or talk to S without something inside of me screaming in pain.  But guess what?  I can.  I'm not shattered anymore.  There are scars, but they'll fade, and I am ok.  There is a level of acceptance that I thought I would NEVER reach.  Ever.

Remember part 3 of this post? I did it.  I immersed myself in the gospel.

I made a goal to get my Young Women's medallion again as a leader.  In the LDS church there is a program for Young Women called Personal Progress.  There are eight sections and each one contains 10-12 "experiences" that foster self improvement and spiritual strength, as well as one ten-hour project pertaining to the specific value of each section; the values being faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity, and virtue.  The girls are given 6 years to complete it and are awarded a beautiful medallion.  It's designed to prepare the girls to be a smart, independent, spiritual,  and strong woman, and eventually wife and mother.  The requirements for the leaders are 4 experiences in each value and three ten-hour projects.  I've got two more values to go and I'm done!  It has helped me so much in my adult life, as it did when I was a Young Woman.  It has given me something else to focus on besides adoption.  

I've been really READING my scriptures, not just going through the motions.  I'm taking notes again, making timelines, cross-referencing...really getting in there.  I have a goal to finish the Book of Mormon by September, but finish with a deeper understanding, not finish it quickly.  

I've been trying harder to fulfill my calling as a YW leader and attend church consistently...even if it hurts.  Mother's Day is Sunday and I never go, but this year I am.  I'm teaching in YWs, so I can't bail either.  ;)  I know Heavenly Father has given me this calling to help me in my own life, not so I can help the girls, though I hope I do a little.  They are amazing girls, and brighten my day twice a week.  I love them more than I can say.  

I'm working hard at maintaining a successful and very happy marriage; again, focusing on something other than adoption.  I feel like we are even stronger than before and are falling in love all over again on an even deeper level.  

I am praying like I never have before.  All day, every day.  Always.  

All of these things have healed me through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I never understood how it worked before.  But thanks to the counsel of Elder Scott, it was made simple to me.  And by small and simple things, great things come to pass, like the healing of a heart that was absolutely disintegrated.  It happened so much faster than I expected.  I am happy.  It only took four months, and each day got better and better.  There are still hard days, but because I want to be a mother, not because of what happened to me.  Through the Atonement of Christ, he has taken my burden and I am healed.

I am not saying I can look at S's baby pictures or that I want to hang out any time soon.  There is still some level of hurt, but it's more caution than pain.  I still miss her.  A lot.  I wish I could just hate her and cut off all ties.  But I can't.  I miss her separately than baby stuff.  She was someone we fell in love with and I miss speaking to her every day, planning outings, sending her things that remind me of her.  I just miss HER. 

I don't think there is anyone I've loved that I don't still loved on some level.  I still care about my ex's and wish them all the joy life can give them.  I still love friends who have gone.  I think I will always love S and I know someday I can love her without a twitch of pain.

As for the adoption process, it continues on.  We had a girl at Child Services who was interested in us and another family.  We were really stoked and were set to meet her on Monday two weeks ago.  I felt so good about it.  We went out and got her a present on Saturday and I wasn't even nervous.  But, on Sunday I felt uneasy all day long.  I figured it was just nerves and continued along my day.  I had a meeting and one of my YW had one of those home ec. dolls.  She was feeding it a bottle and for a spilt second, I wanted to feed it for her.  I kept thinking to myself, "You have reached a new level of crazy.  You want to play with dolls now."  That's how bad I want a baby.  It kind of freaked me out and made me realize how badly I wanted Monday to work out.  I got home from my meeting and I asked for a Priesthood blessing, but before I even got one, Child Services called and said she had picked someone else and the meeting was cancelled.  I cried so hard.  But the next day, we went miniature golfing and picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, and continued on.  

We received an e-mail yesterday from an expectant couple who is considering placing a baby girl.  We are, of course, super excited, but are trying to keep it cool.  Cause I'm good at that.  #eyeroll 
We know whatever happens will be meant to be.  It's not in our hands, but The Lord's.  I'm trying to give it to God.  Life is all about playing your cards right, and someday, I'll find an ace up my sleeve.  

Sunday, March 22, 2015

the enchilada alternative

S had her baby.  This weekend has not been great.  Friday I didn't feel well so I slept all night, Saturday we helped at a ward party, which we fought (secretly) at.  Then we went to visit my grandmother's grave for her birthday and I lost it.  It was the first time I've been back since the funeral...and it was just so hard.  Today was a hard day at church that ended with someone telling me that there were good things about not having kids, incase I didn't know.

As I was eating my girl scout cookies, S messaged me.  The baby came a month early via C-section and he weighs 5 pounds and is doing well.  He's not even on oxygen.  That is all I know.  I cannot, cannot look at her pictures.  Can-NOT.  

S had her baby.  Her baby. He's not my baby.  He's not my baby.  He's not my baby.  He's not my baby.  He's not my baby.  He's not my baby.  He's not my baby.  Repeat.  

I just made enchiladas for dinner.  I was supposed to be in Cabo when this happened, or Disneyland, or Lava Hotsprings!  Anywhere but standing in my kitchen making enchiladas.  I just kept stirring with my heart-shaped wooden spoon in disbelief as to what I was doing.  Why am I making enchiladas? He's not my baby.  

Luckily, I'm all stocked up on Phish Food thanks to a birthday present from my Visiting Teacher, and we just happen to have a great friend who snuck over and delivered a pint along with some flowers.  People are good.  He's not my baby.