Friday, March 14, 2008


I just went to the ladies room to discover I have a hickey. (Thanks, Baby!) :) Surprisingly, in my (metallic silver and rhinestone adorned) Mary Poppins bag, I have three different hand sanitizers, six different lip glosses, a first aid kit, two different eye drops, and a plethora of other miscellaneous items, yet not a tube of concealer in sight! Consequently, I have been forced to keep my ponytail strategically placed all day long.

Now before you judge too quickly, let me just say that I bruise really easily. I get hickeys a lot. My first hickey incident was when I was 18. I was dating this guy named Orlin. (Yeah, I know.) He wasn't exactly a winner, but his best friend was dating my best friend and I was on the rebound from my sixth breakup in five years with Colby. So anyway, we made out one night and then we raced my car against his truck out in the back roads of Farr West. Suddenly I realised I was going to miss curfew, so after Lexi and I beat him for the tenth time, I told him I had to race home. As I started home, it dawned upon me that I wasn't in Farr West, I was in way Faaaaaaaaaaaarrr West. I got lost. I blame my parent's for not letting me drive anywhere but school, work, and Megan's. I couldn't even drive to the mall!! So I called my dad and told him I was lost. He asked me what I saw.

"Water," I said.

"Where the hell are you? San Diego?" he said. It was Willard Bay. He told me to drive towards the mountains.

"Which ones?!" I said.

"The big ones, honey," he said. (I was blonder back then.)

When I finally got home, after a lot of teasing about my sense of direction, my mom asked "What's on your neck?"

"My seat belt rubbed it,"I stumbled.

I panicked and claimed exhaustion and high-tailed it to my room to examine the evidence. There were three high up on my neck and one on each earlobe, and one on the top of my ear. (I know! My ear!) Suddenly there was a knock on my door and mom entered. Immediately I showed her and started bawling and mumbling about how sorry I was that I'd disappointed her.

"Did anything else happen?" she asked.

"No, but I shouldn't have let him kiss my neck!" I bawled.

"Are there any that are covered by your shirt?" she asked.

"NO!" I said, horrified.

"Then calm down. They're only hickeys. It's ok. Just be very, very careful it never goes any further...and remember you bruise easily," she said and hugged me.

That is a tender memory of my mom. What a great mom huh?

My next memorable experience was a few years later at 21 when I was dating Nate Herrscher. Yes, I'm posting his name. He will not be protected because he's not innocent. (Nate, if you're reading this....hahahahahahaha!) Ahem. Anyway, we'd been dating a couple months and I was pretty smitten. We had a lot of fun together. I was moving to Oregon for the summer though. So the night before I left I planned a special date for us. It was really fun and everything was completely normal. At about 2 am he decided he needed to head home. He tackled me and covered me in hickeys as he held me down, both of us laughing.

When he was done, he said, "There, now you're branded! And now you won't forget about me when you're away." Not three minutes and not a single word later, as we were snuggling by his car, he said, "Maybe you should just forget about me," and broke up with me.

I told him that would be hard to do since I was covered in hickeys. I asked him if he'd been planning on breaking up with me all night. He said yes. I slapped him.

He said, "Chels, please don't be hurt. I don't want other guys to miss out on what an amazing girl you are because I was an ass."

I said, "Ha! Nate, don't flatter yourself! You're not the first asshole I've dated. I'll be fine!" Then I shoved him. It was not my finest hour, but really... (Sorry mom, I'm sure you're freaking out that I told that story, but it's FUNNY!)

My third memorable experience was one of the few times Spencer would make out with me during our engagement. It was the night before my bridals. I woke up with a tiny love bite on the side of my neck. Holly was not happy. "If you wanna look like a slut in your bridals, that's your decision!" she teased. It was nothing a little concealer didn't fix, and it produced one of my favorite mom quotes.


Matt & Tati said...

LOL. Chelsi, I love reading your posts. You're hilarious!

Hey, when do you work? I have a 'shoe party' invitation for you for this weekend. :) They're tons of fun and have some of the cutest shoes! (you can actually check them out at

Matt & Tati said...

oh ya...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Natalie said...

confession... I gave Adam a hickey after reading your post. I thought I was hilarious!

I bruise easily too... and I'm always ending up with them. Usually they aren't visible though. That's not supposed to be as sick as it sounds. Ooops, TMI!

Chelsi said...

Good job Nat. Don't worry about TMI, I'm a huge fan of awkward humor. :D

Kari said...

When does Spencer graduate? Matt's taking forever.

Lori said...

little chelsi lasater? SCANDALOUS!

Erin said...

you are my hero. you are straight outta steel magnolias with all that slapping, pushing and "asshole"-ing going on.