It has been a rough month at the Johnston house; first with the hospital, then the recovery process. I think I finally have glue-free hair, but I have a large scar on my cheek from the electrode, and several egg-sized muscle knots all throughout my body.
On Thursday we had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Matsuo. He gave us news...not good or bad. Basically the information obtained in the study was not concrete enough to make any kind of decision. They THINK the seizures are coming from the left side...but they're still not sure enough. I'm going to have more tests done...all outpatient so nothing intense. Hopefully, after the tests they will be able to pin-point where the seizures are coming from...at which point they will decide if they can remove that part of my brain safely and effectively. If they can't determine where they are coming from, they will take my unique case to a neurological convention where several experts will study it. If we determine that surgery is not an option or will be ineffective, then we will try the VNS. (The thing they implant under my boobie that sends shocks to my brain and stops seizures.) I'm all for the VNS...I'd do it right now, but Dr. Matsuo said some patients find no relief, some find complete relief, and some find partial...but he's looking for a complete, and 100% sure-thing. That's good. So...this may take a year or two to figure out...but at least we are on a path.
Anyway, the past few weeks I haven't been sleeping well, so my darling husband has been running me bath after bath, giving me nightly massages, bringing me my medicine, and offering the encouragement that only he can offer me. Last night, we were watching this Hillary Duff/Heather Locklear movie called The Perfect Man, while I scrapbooked our honeymoon photos. After the movie was over, I was reflecting on the movie, our honeymoon, and the past weekend....on Friday we went to a midnight movie and saw The Housebunny (hilarious and cute), then Saturday we took Belle to one of the beeeeeeaaautiful parks in Logan. We had a picnic and threw the frisbee, went for a walk, then spontaneously shared a slow dance under the gazebo while he sang our song to me. Sunday was stake conference and so it was filled with breakfast in bed, tickle fights, and other in-bed activities. ;)
As I reflected just on the weekend alone, I couldn't help but get teary-eyed about how lucky I am. I really have found the perfect man. Most of my days are spent in complete bliss and romance. I'm sure I make others around me completely jealous, or completely nauseous. Even my boss frequently teases, "Not everyone can have the perfect husband." Everyone who meets my baby immediately loves him. I've never met anyone so completely charming. But the best part is: it's completely genuine. He's just Spence. But he's AMAZING. In the movie last night it said, "Love is friendship on fire." That's how he makes me feel...on fire. That's how it happened too. Spencer and I were great friends for months before we dated...his fire started slower I think...a little spark that night we went trick-or-treating and he CARRIED me everywhere because I kept tripping on my Sleeping Beauty costume. Mine was more of a combustion. A strange, unfamiliar spark on New Years Eve, then an explosion right in my face that night at El Matador when I suddenly knew without any doubt, "Oh, my, gosh. He's the one. He is the one my patriarchal blessing described so completely. He's the one I've been searching for. I love him, and he loves me." A strange thing to realize on date two.
When I was 14 I met this boy, Colby, and fell dangerously in love. His parents got divorced and he moved to CT with his father. Most of our relationship was long-distance. E-mails, letters, phone calls, and a visit for prom for my 16th birthday. It was a good thing too...we our feelings were so intense they did not mesh with our ages. We were on and off again for years, right up until 2005. I loved him so much, and my worst fear was that I'd never feel that way about anyone else. I was so afraid I'd only get One Fairytale. (You can read all about my teenage angst in my poetry blog.) ;) I think that was what was so frightening about falling in love with Spencer...I did fall that in love again, and it was even faster, and it scared me to death. He told me it was ok if I fell in love because he'd catch me. I love Spencer with all the intensity of Colby...but with none of the pain, which makes it just...unbelievable. With Colby I was afraid I'd explode because I loved him so much...but it would be a very tragic explosion. With Spencer, I feel I could explode with bliss...hot pink glitter would likely pour out of me.
Sometimes I get scared that it isn't real. I frequently have nightmares that I'm still looking for him, or I settle for someone else...then I wakeup in a panic that is immediately soothed by his strong arms around me and my security in my little nook. I know I don't deserve him. I don't deserve two fairy tales and a happily ever after. I don't deserve the perfect man, I don't deserve this degree of bliss, but I've got it. I will cherish it always and never take it for granted. I love you so much, baby, and I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I promise to spend forever doing whatever I can to deserve the life you've given me. And yes, I am crying. :)