Tuesday, November 11, 2008

spilling it

Isn't my sweetheart amazing? I am one lucky girl...I know! I don't know what I'd do without him. I used to cry a lot harder. Really. The way I cry has literally changed. (No more weird hyperventilation, Moto, Jaclyn, Julie, Shani, Kara and Mind!) Talk about never thinking you could love somebody so much. I dreamed for so long of this perfect man....someone who was romantic and sensitive, yet tough and strong, someone who would be silly with me, but who was mature and driven, someone who loved like I did...entirely too much, someone whom everyone told me did not exist. I dreamed of having the perfect marraige, being able to talk about everything, to work communicate effectively, to have fun together always, to be newly wedds forever. People tell me that won't happen either...but I'm pretty good at proving people wrong. And, have they met my husby? He's hands-down the most amazing person I've ever met. Most of you agree from the comments on his last post.

I thought I'd give you a peak into a seizure from my perspective...usually it begins with some sort of major upset that results in a cry fest....a big one. It usually involves me getting my feelings REALLY hurt or some sort of big change. I don't like change. This time it involved this:

No, Miss Miley, you didn't cause my seizure. You never do anything but cheer me up. :) I'll explain. When I was 14 I had my first seizure and was put on some pretty harsh medications. I was in pediactric neurology at the time, so my neurologist really didn't understand my concern with the effects said medications had on my womb. I did a lot of research on it...for years. My first big research paper in college was on epilepsy and pregnancy. So, I've known for a pretty long time (10 years) that the possibility of me safely carrying children was slim to non-existent....and not necessarily a good idea. Think Steel Magnolias. (NOTE: I am fully aware that many epileptic women carry perfectly healthy children and are totally fine. MY situation is different for many reasons that I won't go into. Trust me. It's my body.) Anyway, Spencer and I had many conversations about this while we were just friends. He knew when he married me what he was getting into...and being the unbelievably perfect man that he is, was fine with it.

Trouble started when my BC put me into the ER about once a month. I won't go into detail, but it wasn't pretty. We started seriously looking at our options for our future family, and the seizures started coming more frequently. How is it that it took them TEN years to tell me epilepsy gets worse with age?! Anyway, recently, the decision was concretely made that I was not going to be pregnant, ever. I had known this since I was about 14....I had discussed it with every.single.serious.boyfriend.ever. But, ten years later...it is still a hard pill to swallow...pun intended. I'm still coming to grips with it, and suddenly, I want a baby. I know...many friends thought they'd never see the day. Suprise! It was all an act. A defense mechanism. But, suddenly, I can't fight this feeling anymore. Cue the music.

I want a baby really bad. Really, really bad. But I also want to be pregnant. I try really hard to look at the positives. There are many. I realise that pregnancy isn't a walk in the park, and labor and delivery are certainly no picnic either! But, I still morn the fact that I'll never get to show Spencer a positive pregnancy test, feel my baby kick, wear a maternity shirt, or see Spencer's beautiful eyes and my smile on our child.

However, I am grateful for my situation for many reasons. I, myself, am adopted. Adoption isn't weird to me....I am as much my parents' daughter as a biological child...and my brother couldn't be any more my brother....the little twerp. ;) Spencer and I are also lucky enough to have Jack and Callie as a brother and sister. They're also adopted. Many people view adoption as foreign and strange, but to us...it's as natural as can be. I'm grateful for that.

I'm also grateful for my mother. She has been such a strength to me during this trial. She's a shoulder to cry on. She listens to me vent, scream, cry...and she knows EXACTLY how I feel. She's been there. She knows. She gets it. Best of all....look how great it worked out for her! (Not to brag or anything...) ;) She gives us hope.

We're excited to begin the adoption process someday...but a lot of ducks need to be in a row before that happens. First, I need to be as healthy as possible. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll never be healthy enough to have a baby. A lot of times I'm terrified of that. Maybe Bradgelina will give us a spare. ;)

So, for the past few months we've been dealing with this concrete decision that I've known about for ten years. Some days I'm fine, some days I'm ok, and some days I'm a mess. Last week began rather roughly. I was two weeks late, and kept having nightmares that every time I'd take my pills I was mutating our unborn child. Spencer got me a pregnancy test at like 3 am. It was negative, and while I was relieved, I realized I am never going to have a positive test. That sucked, but I was ok. A number of events occured last weekend, and the weekend ended with me bursting into tears when my sweet sister let me feel her baby kick. Sorry, Sum! She consoled me and we talked it out. The next day I stayed home from church because I kept having partial complex seizures. We heavily sedated me as a precautionary measure. I stayed home monday as well, also drugged. By Tuesday we thought we were in the clear. I went to work, came home and had my friend, Christy come over and make these adorable cakes with me while Spence was exit polling. When Christy left, I ate dinner and watched Obama get elected, waited for my hubs to get home, then we got in bed. At about 1, I had a minor partial complex seizure, but I was already drugged up. So, about an hour later, I woke up with a panic.

If you've ever had a panic attack, it feels very similar. My arms go numb, I'm terrified of something I can't explain, I can't speak, and I have trouble breathing. As it progresses, I can't think. My brain quits sending signals to my body parts and my thoughts are a jumbled mess. I only have the time to yell, "Honey!" Then Spencer tries to calm me down as I attempt, with all my might, to make my brain work. While I'm not having a seizure I try to think of things I could easily think about to pull me out of it, like reciting my name, "Chelsi, Chelsi, Chelsi," in my head, or the abc's, or I am a Child of God. Sometimes Spencer helps by saying things like, "What's your name?" but usually by that point my worthy Preisthood holder and my EVERYTHING gives me a blessing while I try to think. Sometimes I snap out of it just as fast as it comes on, then I burst into tears and yell about how sucky it is that I have to deal with them.

Sometimes, like last week, I have a grand mal and I don't remember anything up untill an hour later. I don't remember the paramedics at all...apparently they were joking with Spencer about the election. It was sad, and funny at the same time to read the dialogue between Spence and I right after I regain consciousness. I'm so out of it I wouldn't even call it conscious. I would have a hard time not laughing if I was him when he told me I had a seizure for the third time and I said, "I did?!" Anyway, my first memory is of Amy, the nurse who used to be in my ward, helping me into my hospital gown. I don't remember the IV, which means she got it in on the first try. Not only is she sweet and cute as a button, but talented as well. At the hospital I started remembering the events leading up to the seizure...like work, the cake, the election, and feeling the seizure come on. Spencer is always cheerful and calm while they take care of me, or he tells them how to take care of me, so it was nice to read that he isn't always strong. It's nice to know that when I don't need him to be my rock, he breaks down too. I'm usually the broken one. I vaguely recall bits and peices of the day right after. I slept till about 4 I think. Two of my BFFs, Jaclyn and Moto, came all the way to Logan to see me. I don't remember a lot of our convo, and I may or may not have said some random things, but the end result was warm fuzziness that is sure to evovle whenever the three of us get together.

I have so many wonderful friends. So many of you called or left sweet comments after Spencer's post. My neighbors brought me dinner and flowers again, and Spencer and I felt so much love, support and concern from everyone. I want you to know how grateful I am for all of you. For your sweet words, and for your prayers and love. I am so thankful I have so many angels in my life.

Speaking of angels...my sis is preggo and we had a little celebration on Saturday since I didn't get to throw baby shower #1 for Miss Miley Jane.

It was a small affair. There was a spa theme and my other mamma, Jill Chambers, gave all of us facials. Jealous? You should be! It was a great success and my cute Mother-in-law helped me pull off a spa experience like only she could. This was the cake:

This was the one my friend Christy and I made, for our friend Barbra's suprise baby shower:

Aren't they adorable?! I've been dying to make one ever since I found out Summer was preggers. If anyone wants one for a baby shower, call me. I REALLY want to make one for an adoption like Juno's shirt. Picture it:

How CUTE would that be? Just me? Is that a little too much? I'll make one for my baby shower. :D In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy this alone time with my wonderful hubby and our sweet furbaby. There are many adventures to be had and we've only just begun!

Ps. My madre would freak out that I'm divulging so much personal information....so those of you who know her, or your mothers know her, (Anne, Kylee...) let's just keep this between us and the entire blogging world. ;)


Carlee Hoopes said...

Without saying too much, I will just say that that was beautiful. I think you're an amazing person and every time I read what you write I am touched. Spencer is one lucky guy without a doubt.

Also, those cakes are ADORABLE. I love them! And I think a Juno cake would be awesome.

Natalie said...

You are beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I admire your courage for sharing something so personal to the world -- but really, I feel so much like I know you better and I want to help you any way I can!

Spencer said...

Oh my presh wifey... I love you so much Angel you are worth every tear because for every tear there are a million smiles...and a lot of hoochy moochie!!!

Lori said...

Wow, I went off the Bloggersphere for awhile and come back to hear you're not okay! Another seizure? Blast. Spencer's post was uber sweet, I'm glad you have him.

I'm sorry you're struggling. It sucks. You're in my thoughts.

Goldies said...

Chels, I'm sorry to hear about what happened. If only I had checked your blog earlier I would have taken a little drive to L-town. I hope you're recovering ok, I know Spenc is taking good care of you. You truly are amazing, you're the toughest pink thing to grace this earth. I hope you can find peace with everything that is troubling you, it will all work out to His plan... everything always does!

Kari said...


I want that to be your next baby shower cake. Classy!! haha.

I hope you got my email about this blog post so this comment doesn't seem uncaring.

Becky said...

Chelsi; Thank you so much for sharing -- I have a friend that is going through this and it helped me so much to understand better - your husband's post has helped me too to be a better friend. I have thought about you both. Much love to you, Becky ... becky.lpc@gmail.com