Tuesday, January 19, 2010

inside my head

Do you ever have those days (months) where you just feel sorry for yourself?  No?  Just me?  hmm.  Well, friends, you may have noticed I haven't been blogging recently.  Why?  I figure what with the economy, Hati, and everyone else's major trials people do NOT want to hear me whine, and since September, that's about all I've wanted to do.  But, I figure I may as well level with you.  Disclaimer:  Click away NOW if this is the kind of thing you hate, Karen.  ;)

Husband has been very patient.  In a season reserved for thanks-giving and cheer, I've had a really crappy attitude and a lot of level five meltdowns.  It all started when we moved from Logan.  I really didn't want to.  I miss it.  Still.  I cry every time we visit and leave.  Spencer made me this video and showed it to me on Old Main Hill after we reminisced while looking at the temple.  He's pretty much the cutest guy ever.

Untitled from Chelsi Johnston on Vimeo.

Then I "lost" my great job.  Long story short:  Once upon a time, I had a wonderful boss named Gary.  He was so great that he got promoted and moved to be the Dean of the kingdom of Toole. An evil man took his place.  This evil man whom we'll call Micheal, always had a problem with Gary allowing me to work from home, always giving me crap about it.  So, with Gary out of the way, he conspired with the evil queen, whom we'll call Nadia, and told me that after two years, I was no longer allowed to work from home, despite my A+ performance reviews.  They said they were "restructuring" and offered me an hourly position and guaranteed me 20 hours a week.  But naive little me didn't get that in writing.  Nobody would return my phone calls or e-mails until I threatened to sue, then they threw a 20 hour/MONTH project my way.  They refused to lay me off so I could collect unemployment, so I was forced to quit and find a new job.  As the evil queen vacationed in Hawaii and Micheal had a happy Christmas with his family, Spencer and I struggled to pay our rent and begged borrowed and...well, not stole.  We had to switch to Spencer's health insurance and our premiums, co-pays, and prescriptions went up and my procedures weren't covered.  We learned the true meaning of family and Christmas when our families paid our rent, bought us food, and helped us with medical expenses, and just loved us.

Luckily I got another job, but wasn't able to work from home.  After a week I was getting very sick from all of the exhaustion and met with my boss to tell him I physically couldn't do the job.  My boss then bestowed his great generosity on me and is letting me work every other day.  

Still, money is tiiiiiiight and I feel. like. shit.  Excuse my language but there's really no other way of putting it.  Spencer is working hard to find a job that is A) closer and B) actually in his field.  Listen to me, complaining about a job while we're lucky to even have jobs.  Yes, mom and dad, I realize that, but we're prepping for our futures here.  Shouldn't you be proud of us for trying to reach for more?  For trying to find a job that allows Spencer to use his passions, and degree, and for me trying to find a job that doesn't kill me, and allows me to prep for being a mother?  Don't even get me started on my parents' plan for me (us) vs. ours.  That's a whoooooooole other post.

So, due to exhaustion and stress, I had a seizure.  BUT I did go four months in between which is the longest I've gone in about three years.  Sweet!  And it was mild!!  That, my friends, I will take!!  My health is getting better and better.  VNS really is saving my life!  I might end up in their brochure after all!

So, health is better, but money is not.  I am DESPERATELY seeking spawn and I need to get a grip!  It's all I think about!  Every decision I make I think about whether or not it's bringing us closer to being able to even START the adoption process, which is a good thing, but seriously, rice or couscous for dinner?  "Maybe we should start eating more couscous because it's cheaper and we can save more money to prepare for...omg, Chelsi, STOP!"  That's what goes through my head.  Among other things.  Basically it's like that song on Friends.  Our life is stuck in second gear....

Third gear includes the following: 1.  New jobs/modified jobs  2.  Owning a home of some sort  3.  Weight loss (I've lost 7 pounds and Spencer hasn't had any pop since 11:30 on December 31st!) 4.  Getting my driver's license back  5.  Being able to apply for adoption (Pending 1 and 2 work out.)

So, as we embark on this new year full of lofty goals, I'm adding a new resolution:  CHANGE ATTITUDE!!  I'm constantly humbled by you, my friends.  Your strength, (Lori) your attitudes, your faith.  I'm constantly comforted and encouraged by wonderful friends, family, and Belle, but then I end up right back in pissed-off town again. I'm trying to get out of taking that detour.  My New Year's resolution is to enjoy what's happening NOW and stop obsessing about what ISN'T happening right now.

I'm so blessed.  My in-laws are like a super family.  I have the best husband ever.  I have nieces and pseudo-nieces who ease the pain and teach me about motherhood.  My health is improving.  My boss is understanding.  My dog is the best dog ever.  I live in a house with a landlord willing to help us out.  I get to take care of a home.  I have a comfy bed.  I take A LOT of bubble baths in my cool tub.  I have a lot of clothes.  I have the Gospel.  I have wonderful friends.  I have, I have, I have!   And I will...eventually. 


Kari said...

1. You sure have a ton of pictures with Els Dog and Wilson. :) Right after I thought, "Where am IIIIII? Yeah, like we'd have a picture together," our picture showed up and I laughed out loud. The CEOs.

2. Your attitude sounds great to me! You've been through a lot, and I wouldn't blame you to be sad and mad sometimes. I have decided to try to be more positive too. It's hard.

~*Katie*~ said...

You are doing a good job keeping your head up!

Just remember things WILL get better and things always work out for the BEST!!! :)

Southam's said...

I love you, Chels! Hang in there!

Lia Sophia said...

When one of the couple felt rotten and hopeless with life, the other one must stay brave to handle the situation. That's why we have each other to stand through good times and bad times. Marriage and Working relationships won't always flow the way we wanted it to be, and all we need is patience and be grateful for things that comes.

Lia Sophia Catalog Online

Lori said...

i'm sorry, my friend. sounds like things have been rough. i'm thinking of you and wish you and spence that light at the end of the tunnel.

much love.

Karen said...

Chelsi I could never hate a word of your blog! I just adore you too much! P.S even if I hate a certain type of blog that doesn't change the fact that people are entitled to write whatever the heck they want! It's their's after all! But I can still piss and moan right? :) Love you and good luck!

mommy princess said...

Sweetie vent all you want, your friends and family understand. Besides I don't know why but it always makes me feel better. I'm sorry I havn't been there for you more in body as I am spirit. Good job on the seven lbs. I need to get with it! BTW they're finally letting Stan take the MEPS on monday. So we'll see.

JeriLynn said...

I knew something was up! Wow, and that's a lot, too! My life averages three mishaps in a given period, then things go okay for a while (knock on wood).

I can't wait for you to be a mom! You'll be the best ever! Until then, though, you are the rockinest aunt!

Oops, I've used too many question marks. :S

I love you!