Monday, June 7, 2010

the magic number...not so magical.

I don't think you realize how many aspects of your life are affected by poor health until you're finally free.  Then you can see how trapped you were.  When I got sick I had to concentrate on simply surviving, not keeping my figure.  Now that I'm doing sooooo much better, I've been working really hard to get my life back, one step at a time.  The first was my weight.  Since Fall of '09 I've been working really hard.  Weight Watchers, no food after nine, working out every day, etc. 

Fall and Winter came and went and my Wii Fit was like, "Um, wow, you're still fat."  So, I quit weighing myself.  It was just discouraging.  May came and my parents started asking me how much weight I'd lost.  "None," I replied.  "Your scale must be broken," said Dad.  So, one day in May I decided to weigh myself.  My Wii fit said, "You've lost 21.5 pounds since last time.  Good job."  I was ecstatic.  I'd lost 25.5 total pounds and reached my goal weight and didn't even know it.  I cried and jumped up and down and called my mom and Spencer screaming, "I did it!!!  I did it!!!  I weigh ____ pounds!!!!  I weigh the same as I did when I got married!!!" 

Now, since I now weigh the same as I did when I got married, and I looked damn good when I got married, one would think it would be logical to come to the conclusion that I look like I did when I got married and all my old stuff will fit.  Right?  Wrong.  I don't.  It doesn't. 

Sure, my clothes are too big for me, but I still don't fit into my old jeans.  And as for this bikini that I wanted to wear more than anything in the world...

Not. Even. Close.  I weigh the exact same as I weighed in this picture.  So where, pray tell, is that body?!  IT'S GONE!!!  The bottoms fit me okay, but my boobs could not be contained in any of my flimsy triangle and string houses.  I am devastated.  I was so prepared to put on my wedding dress for my niece, to wear my old jeans, to wear all my cute old bikinis and lingerie.  To feel good about my body.  None of that is happening.  I'm still rolling on dubs.  Just call me Tits McGee.

Now, don't give me any crap, okay? I know everyone wants big boobs.  But DOUBLE D'S?!  Nobody but strippers and Heidi Montag (actually, she wants H's for Heidi) want double d's.  You know why?  They make you look fat and NOTHING fits properly.  My mom took me bikini shopping and I was thisclose to ripping the flesh from my body.  No bikini for me.  Why?  They will not be minimized.  WILL. NOT.  So, for the first time since I was like 12, I got a stupid one piece.  It looks like this:

Which is fine, but not what I worked so hard for.  And I don't look nearly as good as she does either.  So, I'm stepping it up a notch.  I am focusing on my upper body and got a Shake Weight, hoping it will get me back into a C cup and back into that body that I took for granted...and that little yellow polkadot bikini.  Please pray for my boobs.  And for me, so that I won't give up on life and just eat like 12 cartons of Ben and Jerry's.

Ps. To my grammar nazi friends, if the pluralization of cup sizes does not call for an apostrophe, please forgive me.  I tried to look it up, but to no avail. 


Rich's said...

Chelsi way too funny!! I feel the same way. My Dr. has so many hormones pumping into my body that I fell like a balloon, and the whole boob thing....well in our house we call them porno boobs. Yep they pretty much suck! But way to go on the weight loss. When I finally get rid of all my hormone pills, I will definitely be calling you for tips!! Love ya, Kelse

Kari said...

First of all, of course I must comment on the grammar issue. I firmly believe in not using apostrophes with letters. So I'd write, "I want to have Cs!" But if you really wanted to use lower case, you could write c's, but it's not my fave.

I totally get the boob thing. I don't want my big boobs. I'm hoping they go down while my weight (hopefully) goes down. That's so weird how you weigh the same but it's gone to different parts. Congratulations on losing so much! I hope to be able to say that I lost that much weight. Eventually. It's hard and frustrating.

Kari said...

P.S. I like that swimsuit.

Mileysmom said...

Oh I feel SO bad for you!! Me and my A- boobs are really crying for you seriously. Maybe they can lay us side by side and suck some out of you and put them into mine. What do you say?

Natalie | The Bobby Pin said...

Shake weights make me think dirty thoughts. Just sayin.

Heidi said...

You may be including me in your "grammar nazi friends," but at least I made the friend list. Haha ;)

Ok just as I do to nearly every post of yours, I relate to this one SO well. I felt like I wrote it (but I could never write as well as you).

First off, Heidi Montag is an idiot. Nuff said.

Double D's are miserable. Absolutely miserable. No matter what you wear you look "thick." tight shirts show too much, lose shirts show too much. Blouses look like maternity shirts & dresses make me look 9 months preggo. So I totally agree with you. Except I don't have nearly as much motivation as you. I'm pleasantly plump and if I were to die tomorrow I would die a lot happier than those skinny bitches who had a bite of cottage cheese for their main course. But I'm not opposed to any totally awesome tricks you find work to reduce the boobies. ;)

Mandy said...

I think officially the boat's still out on apostrophes and single letters, it depends on which style guide you're using, so I think you're good.

It's too funny you got a shake weight, we bought one for one of the girls I work with as a joke after she did a fantastic impression of the inappropriate-facial-expression chick on the commercial!

Good luck with the whole bathing suit shopping thing, i think in general women's clothing is designed and cut by evil evil men, but bathing suits in particular. I think Victoria's Secret let's you order bikinis by cup size, so you might try their website.

Oh, and CONGRATS! on the weight loss, that's a fantastic accomplishment all by itself!

Candace Thomas said...

LOL. I have so many comments I could make...and you don't even want to know what my husband said when I told him I wanted a shake weight. You will have to tell me if it works or not. That is awesome you reached your goal...and I am sure your porno boobs are hot too!

Candace Thomas said...

LOL. I have so many comments I could make...and you don't even want to know what my husband said when I told him I wanted a shake weight. You will have to tell me if it works or not. That is awesome you reached your goal...and I am sure your porno boobs are hot too!

Lori said...

congrats on the 25 lbs! you make me laugh. good luck with your minimizing project. :)

The Voorhees Family said...

I'm happy for you...about the weight loss thing. The boob thing, I'm sorry to say, I don't have too much sympathy for you on that one. I was a respectable B/C when I got married. Nursing turned me into a D, but when I stopped I shriveled up into an A/B (the B is only on there to make me feel better).

JeriLynn said...

Don't worry; I took my "superior pants of grammar" (in LOTRO speak) off after I had Marshall.

Congrats on losing so much weight. That's awesome! I was thinking this morning about the DDs. Most women lose those when they lose weight. So I was wondering if the VNS is making it so you keep those. And if so, this might change the evolution of womenkind. Either women who have bigger boobs will have fewer seizures, or those who have little or no seizures will have bigger boobs.

I don't know why, but this was really funny this morning. It might have been because I only got four hours of sleep. :)

mommy princess said...

First of all...Congrats on loosing the weight. I know how hard that can be.
Second of all... In high school
I used to think I wanted boobs. And then I had babies and went from a small B to a D cup. I know not DD, but enough to feel a little of your pain. I have such a small rib cage that they just make me look fat and make my clothes not fit! My body holds onto weight completly opposite of what it did before kids. Not to mention that because of having kids I will caught in a bikini ever again. Strech marks suck!