Tuesday, August 24, 2010

fear(less)

fearless |ˈfi(ə)rlis|
adjective
lacking fear : a fearless defender of freedom, fearless warriors.
BOLD, brave, courageous, intrepid, valiant, valorous, gallant, plucky, lionhearted, heroic, daring, audacious, indomitable, doughty; unafraid, undaunted, unflinching; informal gutsy, spunky, ballsy, feisty. ANTONYM timid, cowardly
Last weekend we went camping up Logan Canyon.  We passed by the entrance where you could tube the river.  It's closed off now and I was sad, 'cause I never got to do it.  I remember Cassie, my roommate doing it with her friends.  I remember thinking it sounded fun, but being a little scared to do it.  I remember a lot of things like that.  Having CP, my body doesn't work exactly like others.  I'm a little slower, a little clumsier, a little less coordinated.

I've lost a lot of my timidness since I've been married.  I care less about what people may think of me.  I'm more daring.  I don't worry as much about embarrassing myself.  I don't stress in new crowds.

Recently I went out of town sans-Spencer to a friend's wedding.  At the shower I was self-conscious and shy and felt out of place...I felt high school.  I lamented to Spencer about it, saying, "So, can I not go ANYWHERE without you?  Are you my security blanket now, too?  Am I THAT girl?  The one who is only defined by her husband?"  I mean, he is awesome and all, but I always want to be my own person.  I don't want to be half of one.

Then we passed by the Logan River, and it hit me.  He doesn't define me...he empowers me.  I worry less because he talks logic into me.  I am more daring because I know he'll keep me safe.  I would float the river because I know he'd make sure I got in and out of my tube okay.  I don't worry about whether or not he'll think less of me because I can't swing a golf club properly.  He'll just teach me how.  I skank at weddings because I know he'll catch me before I fall on my butt.  (Unless he isn't there and I go down and flash everyone in the process.)  I jump off the top of houseboats because I know he'll make sure I come up to the surface fast enough.  I don't worry about not eating or walking fast enough because he slows to match my pace.  I do silly things in public because I know HE loves me and that's all I really care about.

Around him, I am confident, care-free, silly, daring, proud...I am fearless.

3 comments:

Kari said...

He's your lobster.

mommy princess said...

This post really makes me miss Stan:( but I love it:)

mommy princess said...

This post really makes me miss Stan:( but I love it:)