Friday, August 20, 2010


Last September when I was unpacking from our move from Logan, I found a box of pretty things.  My ballet clothes.

I pulled them out, one-by-one, looked at my body and cried.  I threw them back into the tote and exclaimed, "I am so over being fat!!  I want to dance again!  When I lose weight I'm going to take ballet again." 

Today, about 25 pounds later I pulled them out again, only to sigh for monetary reasons.

I want to dance again.  Not only to wear the pretty things, but to dance. It's in my blood.  I love water and I love to dance.  These two things sustain my happiness.  Whenever this song comes on, I dance around the tiny corridors of our bed and walls and Belle looks at me with a "Mommy, be careful!" expression.

I started ballet at three and stopped when I was 17.  A course schedule full of college-credit and AP classes plus a job and applying for every scholarship in the world didn't allow for ballet AND art classes.  Art was cheaper.  But I cried. 

I started taking adult ballet up in Logan when we first got married.  I loved it.  Spencer would pick me up from class on his motorcycle and we'd laugh because it was so Center Stage.  He even got to see me perform in a recital.  But I had to stop when I got too sick.  And I cried.

While my parents waited for me, they spent the years from 20-25 by buying and decorating a house, buying a boat, traveling, and my mom took calligraphy and porcelain doll making classes.  My mom always told me it made the waiting a little easier.  I always figured that's what I would do too.

Then, I grew up, went to college, got married, and the economy said, "Eff you!"  Life doesn't always work out how you planned.  Remember that post on finding joy in where I am right now?  I'm still working on it.  Maybe it's the lack of that tub that's getting me...


Anonymous said...

I love this post. Sometimes when I read my journal or look at my blog, I think, man when I have kids I am going to look at this and laugh at all the silly things (or just many things) I did while waiting. I decorate my house, have little parties, dye my hair, make desserts that take ten hours to prepare, sew dresses, take bikram yoga, and about a hundred other things. If you find a dance class, we should take it together. I did ballet and tap until I was 15, and then modern dance as a teenager. I love to dance. And it would be so nice to pick it up again. Loves you!

mommy princess said...

That song is just beautiful. I'm a horrible dancer. Ok not horrible, but it does not come naturally like singing and art. I have to try really hard to be even moderatly acceptable. I've never seen you dance. I'm adding it to my bucket list.

JeriLynn said...

That's the prettiest song I've heard in years. I think I'll start dancing to it, too.

My heart aches for you, Chels. I love you!