It's 4:35 am. I can't sleep. Husband is sleeping peacefully beside me...he fell asleep during some manly show about five hours ago. To pass the time, I have showered, read 50 pages, written a bit, googled ideas for my niece's birthday cake which I will not make till December, and wandered Facebook.
I looked at every photo I'm tagged in on Facebook. All 106 of them. Probably not a good idea. My favorite pictures are the ones from college. I was really pretty. I'm unsure as to what the hell happened.
A few weeks ago, after viewing some of my brother-in-law's photos of me, I came to two realizations-- One: I got REALLY fat. Two: My eyeshadow that I switched to in 2008 doesn't photograph very well. In reaction to these epiphanies I resolved to lose these pesky 12 pounds (Hopefully all in my breasts.) and I switched back to my trusty eyeshadow combo from college. Husband says he likes my eyes better. I remember I changed it because my sisters-in-law don't wear very dark eyeshadow and I didn't want to appear trampy. Weird, yes? My sisters-in-law are not ones to think like that. Or the rest of my family for that matter.
Anyway, looking through the photos at my changes over the years, yes, I got fat, and yes, my boobs got grossly large and odd looking, but there's something else....something in my eyes. They're not as bright as they were. I look tired. My skin is paler. Maybe because of the eyeshadow switch, maybe for lack of sleeping or tanning...I don't know. But I think I lost my glow. I think I got really worn out...and lost my glow.
Today in church I sat toying with the chain of my purse thinking about how far off track we'd gotten, yet how close the tracks appeared. I would say we are a very spiritual family. We pray a lot. Sometimes I pray all day long. We speak of God, Christ and His Gospel multiple times daily. Christ is always a guest in our home. We attend the temple. Spencer utilizes his Priesthood often and is deemed worthy. But, when I got sick, it became difficult to attend church as I was either having a seizure or recovering from one. And then...it just had a domino effect. I couldn't go so Spencer didn't go. Scripture study and Family Prayer haven't ever been a strong point in our marriage. When we were single, they were part of our routines...but we've had difficulty fusing those routines together. We focused on other things, like not dying. Then I had surgery and stopped seizing, but we moved, and we tried to go to our ward, but I didn't sleep well, or Spencer's stomach hurt, and it just became a chain of endless excuses until we moved again and months later, realized we'd become a strange sort of religious inactive. With firm resolve, we've been doing better...but I still don't have my glow. That glow, I think, comes from being the best you that you can be. All those little things that you're taught from childhood really do matter. Prayer, scripture-study, church attendance, tithing. And then when you get older you add things like good communication, a better sex life, maintaining a healthy weight, having a successful career, and keeping an orderly house. All of these things add up to genuine happiness I think. Glow. One you can't get from a bronzer.