Saturday, March 26, 2011

baby-starved wingnuts

Tonight a friend told us she's seriously contemplated getting knocked up on our behalf a number of times.  Then she told us she was dating Orel Hershiser's son and I think Spencer got a little too serious about it.  :)  Apparently Orel is a better pitcher than Kurt Shilling.  Spencer's head exploded at the thought that Cru could have the bloodline of THE BEST PITCHER EVER.  Don't worry, we ended the convo explaining how sex before marriage ruins everything and creates feelings that don't belong outside of a life-long or eternal commitment.  But if they get married...  Just kidding.  Kind of.

We really are baby-starved wingnuts.  It's such a weird position to be in.  You see the world differently.  Mostly because it's all you think about. Last night we Redboxed "The Switch" with Jason Batmen and Jenn Anisten.  SUCH a good show. But at the end I freaked out and started asking questions like "How much is nurture and how much is nature?!  What if our kids and are nothing like us and they HATE us?  Like what if they're a math genius and think we're the dumbest people ever?"  Though, to my defense, I was on Ativan when I freaked out.  Ask Spencer to tell you about the miracle we witnessed last night.  It needs it's own post. 

A few days ago, my good friend Kari, sent me to the blog, Bloom, where a woman shared her adoption story.  I asked the woman a question and tonight Kari sent me this e-mail.

I just went over to that Bloom post and read your comment. When you asked about an open or closed adoption, it made me think of No Biggie. Do you read that blog? She has two kids: one biological and one adopted. It was also an open adoption, which you don't hear of often (well, I don't). She has written a few blog posts about her experience, so I went to the blog and clicked on the Adoption tag, so here's the link that takes you to all the adoption posts if you're interested: http://www.nobiggie.net/category/adoption

I read all of the blogs.  This first picture ripped my heart right out.  It's like a mixture of feeling so sad and soooooo grateful for what my birthmom did, and anticipation, nervousness, sadness and gratefulness for what our future birthmom will do.

Mom and Dad on the left, Birthmom on the right

I physically cannot hold it together when I look at that picture.  Their faces!  Oh it is so beautiful.  Yet so painful.  Adoption, I think, is full of contradicting feelings.

Like Kari said, No Biggie had an open adoption.  Like they celebrate Mother's Day with her and stuff.  Open adoptions are really foreign to me, and therefore scary.  I think it would be weird to know my birthmom.  Kind of like a divorce situation.  But from what I've read they're more of a special friend or aunt.  Still, it scares me.  I'm a very territorial person.  Crazy jealous.  I think I'd have a hard time with it not being MY baby all of the time.  Like she said over at No Biggie, it might help me.  But I don't want to be helped.  Sigh.

If we have to do an open adoption, I don't know how much contact I want after the birth.  I want it to wean off.  I just never want to confuse my kids or make them feel different.  But obviously I want them to be able to ask questions and me have the answers. My parents never met my birthmom...and I wish I knew what she was like.  I'd like to meet her now, to thank her and see our similarities, if any.  But I don't think I'd want her to be a part of my life.  That's why I want to meet our birthmom and get to know her and have pictures and letters for my kids.  I'd like to know her name if they ever want to find her...but that's it.  I don't know.  Obviously I want whatever is best for my kids, but being an adopted child, I think that would've been the best scenario in my situation.

In the end it won't matter.  I will do whatever it is that the Lord wants me to do.  I can't wait.  I can't wait till I have a baby sucking on my shoulder and cooing and laughing and screaming and crying.  I can't wait till I'm covered in poop and pee and throw up and love.  I can't wait for blow outs and blowing bubbles, for bath time and meal time and play time and tummy time.  I can't wait to see my son or daughter with Belle.  I can't wait for their first night, first word, first food, first step.  I cannot wait to have all of those special experiences.  The normal ones, AND the ones that come with adoption.  I still remember the day we were called about getting my brother and the day when he was sealed to us and I was only three.  Those experiences are amazing.  And to recieve such an amazing gift from someone....ooh!  That's why that picture just made my heart explode.  How will I ever be able to thank her enough?  But if I feel that way...then wouldn't I want her to be part of my life?  Like I said, I think adoption is full of conflicting feelings.

I found this the other day and was dangerously close to buying it.  Patience is not my virtue.


We're still working on some things to be able to start the process.  The goal is still by the end of this year.  But, I think it's gonna be a goooooood year. *Insert music here.*

2 comments:

Mr. Senator said...

That picture made my heart poop, pee AND throw-up with love!

PS, Just to clarify about Orel Hershiser. He isn't the best pitcher ever. BUT he is in the top ten of all time in my book...Curt Schilling is still my favorite (can't beat the bloody sock) but lets be honest to have Hall of Fame pitching genes in my kids body...one word WINNING!

Karen said...

I miss you Chelsi! Aren't you living somewhere around Layton? I think we should grab lunch. I'm in North Ogden now. Love you.