I've been a horrible blogger lately. Everything I write seems to end up sounding like what I like to call "word vomit." If any of you were unfortunate enough to read last night's brain dump about infertility before I deleted it, I am sorry, I was having a bad night and was medicated. Ahem. I want to write about what's going on in my head, not just about infertility, but about body image and Christmas and groceries on a budget, or how I saw a guy at the gym in an actual foil sweat suit... but my writing has been so sub-par lately I always end up deleting my posts without publishing. So, I link to people's blogs or I post pictures of my hair and latest pumpkin creations.
I was looking for something tonight and stumbled upon a folder full of my writing. The essay section was full of high school and college essays, all marked with an A or A+, some with comments like, "Awesome paper, as usual," "Compelling use of dialogue," or "VERY thought-provoking!" Ones from my favorite professor were marked 74/75, or 63/65, just to challenge me. My Beowulf essay from the Wicked Witch of the Lit Department was covered in red ink like it had been massacred. But they made me miss college. I miss writing, or at least being forced to write. Obviously, I have this blog because I love to write, and I have several stories in a folder called "writy things" that are coming along. But I miss the challenge of writing about something complex and maybe something I don't fully understand, then discovering it as I go.
Mark Twain said, "I write to find out what I am thinking." I do that too. I guess that's why lately my writing has been disheveled. So have my thoughts. But, they are happy thoughts. Maybe that's the problem too. I am most inspired when I'm sad. I can't write a decent poem to save my life now that I'm not heart-broken, love-sick and lonely.
Someone else said, "I write to prove that I exist." That is also true for me. I think there is a small part in all of us that wants to leave a legacy for those who follow. I'm pretty sure I'll have a great story to tell when it's all said and done, and like I mentioned earlier, I am writing it, in the writy things folder. But, sometimes it's so hard to force yourself to live in the past for a few hours for the sake of a few pages.
Many, many teachers told me, "Write what you know." So, this is what I know. I am more excited about our adoption than I've ever been about anything in my life. I want to start planning EVERYTHING and when I think about it I get all hyper and giddy. I've "met" several new "adoption friends" who I e-mail back-and-forth with as often as I can to ask questions, get advice, and to generally get really excited. June is still our goal to have the money for the intake fee.
I love our home. It's so...HOME. It's the equivalent to Spencer in that he was THE ONE I was looking for. Well, this home is THE ONE we were looking for. We all adore it. Belle lays in the window seat or in one of her "sun spots" all day while I work. Yesterday she played in the snow for two hours! And in the summer she'll spend all her days sunning on the deck. I want to get a cushion and pillows made for my window seat so I can have a cute little reading nook like when I was little. I loved my window seat and would take naps there. So, neighbors, if you walk by and see me sleeping in the bay window, don't be alarmed.
Speaking of neighbors. I love ours. We have, of course, met, hung out and talked a few times, but when I had my last seizure right before Christmas, my sweet neighbor Jana was by my side through the entire thing. She would come over twice a day to check on me and to let Belle out and help me to the bathroom. She made us dinners and coordinated with my Visiting Teachers to do the same and let me tell you, it was a RELIEF! Usually, after a seizure Spencer can take a day off to take care of me, but this time, he couldn't and neither could my parents. So, Jana stepped right up and saved the day...well several days. Since then we've hung out or at least talked almost every single day. I told you something good always comes from these things. She has an amazing sister and three adorable kids who I am in love with. Livi is turning 4 next week and I'm making her a Tiana birthday cake. :)
The last month or so was hard. I shouldn't have accepted my calling in nursery without praying first about it. I just didn't want to disappoint my Heavenly Father. But, after a lot of prayer I finally felt peace and that turning it down was okay and the right decision for me and our situation. I know Heavenly Father is not disappointed in me and I know I will find another, less painful way to serve Him. (One that won't require me to sedate myself afterward.) ;)
I also know that I have a mind-boggling number of the best friends and family you could ask for. I know how blessed I am but I want all of you to know how grateful I am for your mere presence in my life. My love for each of you is beyond measure. That is what I know.
And finally, I know I have to go to bed because I'm trying SO hard to train myself to sleep like a normal person. It's going pretty well, if you ask me. But don't ask Spencer.