Tuesday, February 14, 2012

My Wife = Wizard!

Hey Y’all, Spence here.

I know, I know… you knew it was coming.

On all of the mushy holidays you can guarantee that one of us will write a post that will make all of you gag. This one is going to be a bit different though.

On Saturdays I work a few hours in the morning at a plumbing shop (that I can’t seem to get away from.) My only co-worker is a guy named Scott. Scott is a 24 year old Marine who has already been on 3 combat tours. His time in the Marine Corps is coming to a close and he is beginning to focus on being a student (PolySci Major) and finding a wholesome girl to date and marry. We spend most of our Saturdays talking about politics and ideology but probably and equal amount of time is spent giving him advice on how NOT to be a DB; and how to navigate the dating world. Let me first say that I am not an expert on the subject because I didn’t have the greatest relationships in the world, but I DID manage to land the greatest wife on the planet. So I must have done something right. This past Saturday we were discussing our Valentine’s Day plans and our conversation turned into talking about all of the qualities we desire in our significant others.

These types of conversations always make me beam with pride because they basically end up being discussions where I make other men jealous by telling them how AMAZING my wife is. In our discussions we decided to compile a list of qualities that Scott could look for in a lady. Here is the top ten things we compiled about the kind of women we would want ( I have excluded some of the more crude (non-blog friendly) guy talk qualities)

Yesterday I was looking in my bag and I came across the list. So I began looking it over and comparing it to Chels:

1) Needs to find us irresistibly attractive. Chelsi (miraculously) finds me irresistibly attractive. Even with my crazy Zoolander hair! She took my picture and then said “You actually look really HOT!”… crazy.

2) Needs to make good arm candy. This goes without saying but Chelsi is the epitome of arm candy. She ALWAYS looks like a million bucks and is BY FAR the hottest girl I’ve ever dated (no offense exes who might be reading this)

3) Needs to think we are freakin hilarious. Chelsi definitely thinks I’m hilarious. She is always laughing at my lame attempts at jokes and she is always in the mood to be weird and crazy with me. Like my favorite gag to yell at her in public... trust me. It. Is. HILARIOUS!

4) Needs to appear innocent. When I first met Chels, I was quite the naughty boy. But immediately she was classified in the “Don’t drink or swear in front of” category. She was just too pure to be subjected to such filthy behavior.

5) Needs to be a freak behind closed doors. Stripper Pole. (enough said)

6) Needs to tolerate stupidity. The amount of stupidity that Chelsi tolerates is immeasurable. Let’s see there was the time where I ignored 2 Road Closed signs, only to put our car into a 3’ wide trench where the road was washed out. And let’s not forget the use of our student loan to buy ourselves a HUGE TV incident of 2008. Geez! And all of the stupidity that comes with being a Star Wars fan... Need I say more?

7) Needs to let us be men in all of our football watching, fighting chauvinistic glory. Chels always lets me be manly. That doesn’t mean I let loose belches and other bodily functions at any moment. But she has no problem watching college football every Saturday for 4 months. Or Baseball every night for an entire month (October is my FAVORITE!!!) And she is SUPER impressed with my limited athletic abilities. Namely the CANNON I have for an arm ;-)

8) She needs to not nag but but communicate effectively to get what she wants. Chelsi has never been the nagging type. From day 1 she was keen enough to realize that rather than complainingly asking me to do something that is a pain, if she wants something done, all she needs to do is come up to me with “the look” on her face and ask me to clean out the garage, vacuum the house, shake out the rugs, get out the totes for the current seasonal decor, take out the garbage and help fold the laundry. Done.

9) Needs to be hotter than our friends wives. Much like my exes, I hope none of my friend’s wives are offended by me saying that my wife definitely wins the hottest wife competition. All of my friends may have married up, but none of them married up like I did.

10) Needs to be able to hang out with the guys. From her first sentence to my friends upon meeting them, Chels had them wrapped around their finger. She had them laughing right out of the shoot with her, often unexpected, humor. They all think I am the luckiest guy on Earth. Those that are married are jealous. And those that are single are only single because they can't find a wife who is as awesome as Chelsi. How many wives can say that, on more than 1 occasion, they have received drunk texts from their husband’s friends at 3:00 am? True story.

Chelsi, you are unparalleled as the hottest, coolest, greatest, sexiest, strongest and most perfect wife this world has ever known. I know that we are struggling with missing our future babies, but I'm so glad that I have this opportunity to have you all to myself for a while. I love you endlessly and a want you to know how much I appreciate your determined effort to find a way to love me as much as I love you. You really are my other half, the exhale to my inhale, and I couldn't last ten seconds in this world without you. Happy Valentines Day Darling!



Chelsi said...

i love you so much it's retarded.

Kari said...