Thursday, December 18, 2014

tender mercies

I know my Heavenly Father loves me.  Even though I am a little angry with Him.  Can I say that?  I don't know if it's even angry...perhaps just bewildered?  He still loves me, in all of my imperfectness. We had a (perhaps final) meeting with our caseworker on Tuesday.  On Monday I was so nerved up about it.  It felt so overwhelming.  Talking about starting over with another agency.  Yet another thing that is not in my plan.  We went to Walmart to do some grocery shopping.  As I was contemplating what toilet bowl cleaner to buy in place of my Scrubbing Bubbles toilet bowl scrubber refills, which they never have, (does anyone know where to get those?!) I looked over and saw our caseworker standing at the other end of the aisle.  She lives in Layton so she was a long way from home for grocery shopping, and I didn't really believe it was her.

I talked to her about my concerns and we cried together about the situation with S and about the closing of the agency.  I was able to sleep that night because of her reassurances.

We met and she gave us our file back to submit to other agencies.  It's surreal, that file.  It's not very thick, yet it contains our entire lives for the past year, and a history of our lives up to thirty years of age, an analysis of our personalities, our marriage, our home, our health.  It is weird to read.  Kind of a point of pride, kind of sad, kind of uplifting, kind of a lot of things.  I probably won't ever read it again.  :)

The day of our meeting one of my best friends came over to visit and brought me a gift from her and another friend.  I opened it up to find a glass slipper and a card that gives one of my favorite lines from a song I sing when I rock babes to sleep, and myself when I'm sad.  "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true."  It was such a thoughtful and perfect gift.  I will cherish it forever.

I am so blessed to have many BEST friends.  I can't choose just one.   They laugh with me, be silly with me, cry with me, talk for hours with me, advise me, reminisce with me, and love me.  Julie has been a best friend since college.  I met her my freshman year.  I was crying in my dorm room and she walked by, and upon seeing me, asked if there was anything she could do to help.  Through the years we've gone through a lot together, from baptisms to boys.  That day, as I recounted the story to her, we both started crying and she just held me in her arms and let me cry.  She cried too.  I felt her tear run down my cheek with mine.  That's love.  That, is a tender mercy.  

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