Wednesday, February 18, 2015

irons in the fire

Our adoption journey continues on, despite both of us screaming that we need a break.  (Summary here: http://liljohnstons.blogspot.com/2014/12/how-to-deal-how-to-heal-and-how-to-help.html) It's been a busy week at our house.  We sent S some shoes for her birthday.  I saw them and I loved them, so I knew she would LOVE them.  It took some effort to find out her shoe size and I had to really take her from the back of my mind to the forefront.  It wasn't pretty.  There was a tsunami of tears as I searched her posts and pins to find her shoe size.  I messaged her family members and friends with no response besides someone who gave me an obviously fake shoe size.  I was convinced that she had told them all not to make contact with us and that she hated us.  Then she messaged me.  That little ping was the sweetest sound!  She thanked us for the "GORGEOUS" shoes and I don't think I've ever been so glad someone liked my gift.  They were even the right size, thanks to my mom who remembered it from the night we went shopping.

S and I chatted for about an hour, both crying our eyes out.  I miss her so much!!  I love her so much!  I wish I could stop, because it hurts so badly, but I can't.  She has moved out on her own and I am that much more worried about her.  What if her feet hurt?  Who will rub them?  What if she goes into early labor?  What if she can't pick something up off the ground?  What if someone tries to hurt her or rob her?  What if she's too tired to make dinner? I wish I could stop loving her.  If I'm being honest with myself, too, I still want her to place with us more than I want anything.  I've tried so hard to let that hope go, but it's still hanging on by its fingernails in the back of my mind.  Not only for me, but mostly for the baby and for her.  I want her to live in an apartment at SUU and become best friends with her roommates and chase her dreams and catch them.  Not this.  Not becoming best friends with that little boy and sacrificing her dreams for him.  I love her too much.  I want her to be the happiest she can ever possibly be.  I want to make her happy.  I would make sure she was.

A couple in our ward is from Haiti and has a family situation they told us about.  His aunt and uncle are considering placing a baby boy and girl, twins, are 4 months old. Typically, a Haiti adoption can take a lot of time and money and can be pretty complex but they are thinking that they can pull some strings since they're family.  They are over there right now for a visit and are getting some information for us.  I've been secretly reading articles about twins on sleep schedules.  I always wanted twins when I was little.  A boy and a girl.  We'd be done, too.  Never having to go through this ever again.  Plus their Aunt and Uncle would be a big part of their lives and we could even visit Haiti.  Stop me whenever you want.

We were also contacted by a K via our Instagram challenge.  She sent us a heart-wrenching e-mail last week and I responded the next day after some thought and prayer.  She never wrote back.  I'm thinking she is probably a scammer, or changed her mind.  She was only 8 weeks along, so there was a lot of time for her to waiver.  Perhaps she'll contact us again in 7 months...

Yesterday I was contacted by a friend in the adoption community about a "Stork Drop" situation.  That's where a baby is placed last-minute and needs parents pronto.  We're still gathering information and haven't been able to reach the agency. She is four weeks old and I am dreaming of cuddling her.  I woke up holding a pillow.  We need to come up with 30,000 dollars ASAP if we want her.  (Haha!  IF!) and if we pay, she's ours.

My Dad said that he was excited that we had "several irons in the fire."  It doesn't feel like it.  They don't feel real.  Maybe I am so broken that I don't dare feel anything anymore.  And even if I do feel a little pang, I don't know what Heavenly Father wants us to do.  How do I know which baby is mine?  If any?  All of my friends say that you know because everything just comes together.  They even tease that I might end up with 5 kids under one.  How crazy would that be.  I would do it in a heartbeat.

S said that she wished she could heal me.  How can I not love her.  I want to heal her too.  All of the articles say that adoption doesn't heal infertility.  Well, I'm not technically infertile, I just can't carry a baby safely...so all I want is a baby.  That's it.  That would heal me.  Maybe this break in my heart is so deep and so jagged that it would take five babies to heal it.  I don't know.  I really think just one would do it.  Just one.  Just one.  Just...I'm using that word a lot lately.  I just want to be a mom.  I'm just trying to breathe. Can't someone just call us and say, "I have your baby."  I just want to know.  I just want this to be over.  Just.  It isn't just.

2 comments:

D said...

😚

D said...

Hmmmm...that comment above didn't go as planned. Round 2. I love you guys. I know a baby is coming your way. I can feel it. Xoxo