I think she held me in her arms after my birth-grandfather gave me a blessing, which was transcribed and given to me. I imagine she cried and my birthfather, who cried as well, asked if she was sure, and she said, "Yes. They can give her more." I imagine she called upon the Lord for strength and to help her remember the conformation that she had. I imagine she thought about her life as well, and how this decision would benefit her, even though it hurt. I imagine she told me she loved me and to never forget that. I never did. Ever.
I've always known she loved me more than anything in the world and THAT was why she placed me in the arms of her caseworker and said goodbye.
Then, my mom and dad got the best call of their lives. "You can pick her up in three hours," they said. Mom and Dad called their families and then raced to the mall. They picked up a crib, toys, a rocking chair, dresser, changing table, bassinet, swing, jumper, bike basket, a million clothes and every other thing you can imagine. Then they sat in the food court for two hours.
Meanwhile, Grandma, whose birthday is (was, would be) tomorrow, and my aunt Heidi, picked up diapers, wipes, formula, bathing supplies and all other groceries along with some pink balloons that blew out of the car window three times before they finally made it home.
When my mom and dad finally were able to go to the agency, their caseworker said, "She's in there. You can go take a look at her and see if you want her." My dad looked at him, baffled, and said, "Are you crazy? We want her." They cried over me, held me close, reluctantly loaded me into my newly installed carseat, and took me home to pink balloons and my family waiting to meet me.
That night, my mom cried for my birthmother, and prayed harder than she'd ever prayed before, for her to have strength and comfort, and peace. She knew she did.My mom still prays for my birthmom, 31 years later, and so do I. Thank you, dear Birthmother, for being brave enough and strong enough to give me my family. You did good, Girl. I love you.