Thursday, May 7, 2015

wonderland

You know those songs that you listen to while you're going through a breakup that totally speak to you?  Like, "Omg, this was totally written about me!" There's this song by Taylor Swift called Wonderland, and it's totally a "S song." It's about falling in love too quickly and then going mad when it ends. Everyone warned us to not fall in love too fast, to take it slow. That's just not my game. I tried, I really tried. I almost went crazy doing it, but then I received a Priesthood blessing and I was told to be myself, so I went full-tilt Chelsi and loved with everything I had. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Can you ever regret loving someone, though? I think love is always good. Even if you do lose your mind.

Flashing lights and we, took a wrong turn and we
Fell down the rabbit hole
You held on tight to me
'Cause nothing's as it seems
Spinning out of control
Didn't they tell us don't rush into things
Didn't you flash your green eyes at me
Haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds
Ooh didn't it all seem new and exciting
I felt your arms twisting around me
I should've slept with one eye opened at night
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And we pretended it could last forever,
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And life was never worse but never better,
In wonderland,
In wonderland,
In wonderland,
In wonderland
So we went on our way
Too in love to think straight
All alone or so it seemed
But there were strangers watching
And whispers turned to talking
And talking turned to screams
Didn't they tell us don't rush into things
Didn't you flash your green eyes at me
Didn't you call my fears with the treacherous cat's smile
Ooh didn't it all seem new and exciting
I felt your arms twisting around me
It's all fun and games, still somebody loses their mind
Oh darling, we found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And we pretended it could last forever,
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And life was never worse but never better,
In wonderland,
In wonderland,
In wonderland,
In wonderland
I reach for you
But you were gone
I knew I had to go back home
You searched the world for something else
To make you feel like what we had
And in the end in wonderland we both went mad
Oh, we found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And we pretended it could last forever,
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And life was never worse but never better,
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And we pretended it could last forever,
We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And life was never worse but never better
In wonderland
I'm saying, now, that if we get a little girl, her first birthday will be a Wonderland Birthday, because we went mad getting her.  We did go mad for a little while.  It really broke us.  It shattered me.    I didn't know if I'd ever be ok. I didn't think I'd ever be able to see another baby or talk to S without something inside of me screaming in pain.  But guess what?  I can.  I'm not shattered anymore.  There are scars, but they'll fade, and I am ok.  There is a level of acceptance that I thought I would NEVER reach.  Ever.

Remember part 3 of this post? I did it.  I immersed myself in the gospel.

I made a goal to get my Young Women's medallion again as a leader.  In the LDS church there is a program for Young Women called Personal Progress.  There are eight sections and each one contains 10-12 "experiences" that foster self improvement and spiritual strength, as well as one ten-hour project pertaining to the specific value of each section; the values being faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity, and virtue.  The girls are given 6 years to complete it and are awarded a beautiful medallion.  It's designed to prepare the girls to be a smart, independent, spiritual,  and strong woman, and eventually wife and mother.  The requirements for the leaders are 4 experiences in each value and three ten-hour projects.  I've got two more values to go and I'm done!  It has helped me so much in my adult life, as it did when I was a Young Woman.  It has given me something else to focus on besides adoption.  

I've been really READING my scriptures, not just going through the motions.  I'm taking notes again, making timelines, cross-referencing...really getting in there.  I have a goal to finish the Book of Mormon by September, but finish with a deeper understanding, not finish it quickly.  

I've been trying harder to fulfill my calling as a YW leader and attend church consistently...even if it hurts.  Mother's Day is Sunday and I never go, but this year I am.  I'm teaching in YWs, so I can't bail either.  ;)  I know Heavenly Father has given me this calling to help me in my own life, not so I can help the girls, though I hope I do a little.  They are amazing girls, and brighten my day twice a week.  I love them more than I can say.  

I'm working hard at maintaining a successful and very happy marriage; again, focusing on something other than adoption.  I feel like we are even stronger than before and are falling in love all over again on an even deeper level.  

I am praying like I never have before.  All day, every day.  Always.  

All of these things have healed me through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I never understood how it worked before.  But thanks to the counsel of Elder Scott, it was made simple to me.  And by small and simple things, great things come to pass, like the healing of a heart that was absolutely disintegrated.  It happened so much faster than I expected.  I am happy.  It only took four months, and each day got better and better.  There are still hard days, but because I want to be a mother, not because of what happened to me.  Through the Atonement of Christ, he has taken my burden and I am healed.

I am not saying I can look at S's baby pictures or that I want to hang out any time soon.  There is still some level of hurt, but it's more caution than pain.  I still miss her.  A lot.  I wish I could just hate her and cut off all ties.  But I can't.  I miss her separately than baby stuff.  She was someone we fell in love with and I miss speaking to her every day, planning outings, sending her things that remind me of her.  I just miss HER. 

I don't think there is anyone I've loved that I don't still loved on some level.  I still care about my ex's and wish them all the joy life can give them.  I still love friends who have gone.  I think I will always love S and I know someday I can love her without a twitch of pain.

As for the adoption process, it continues on.  We had a girl at Child Services who was interested in us and another family.  We were really stoked and were set to meet her on Monday two weeks ago.  I felt so good about it.  We went out and got her a present on Saturday and I wasn't even nervous.  But, on Sunday I felt uneasy all day long.  I figured it was just nerves and continued along my day.  I had a meeting and one of my YW had one of those home ec. dolls.  She was feeding it a bottle and for a spilt second, I wanted to feed it for her.  I kept thinking to myself, "You have reached a new level of crazy.  You want to play with dolls now."  That's how bad I want a baby.  It kind of freaked me out and made me realize how badly I wanted Monday to work out.  I got home from my meeting and I asked for a Priesthood blessing, but before I even got one, Child Services called and said she had picked someone else and the meeting was cancelled.  I cried so hard.  But the next day, we went miniature golfing and picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, and continued on.  

We received an e-mail yesterday from an expectant couple who is considering placing a baby girl.  We are, of course, super excited, but are trying to keep it cool.  Cause I'm good at that.  #eyeroll 
We know whatever happens will be meant to be.  It's not in our hands, but The Lord's.  I'm trying to give it to God.  Life is all about playing your cards right, and someday, I'll find an ace up my sleeve.  

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